I went to the river

Sleeping out new moon 13 Feb 2021

Doing! Doing! Doing!

Against the shadow of grief

There is not enough water to grow new trees

When the old ones leave , who will hold the water ways?

What then?

I went to the river – the water was green, thick with the dust of land , floodwater green of water new to the system, algae green – they ( the cotton farmers) have graciously just increased the flow but the water level is like covering the front step of a four storey building. Be grateful they say. I went to the lake – it was green – with grass- how pretty they say…

There are weirs, there are systems, there are allocations.

Along the river there are so many bones of fish, from the great death event last summer, where the algal bloom took the oxygen from the water and took the life of thousands of fish including hundred year old fish that had survived so many droughts. It went viral. But the fish died. I found the body of a fish , ants feasting on the bank. I feel to make an artwork of the fish – to honour the fish. I take my camera and make photos to be used later. Studying the dead fish and the way the ants are eating it – I feel a presence behind, and I turn to see there in the middle of the river a huge fish is in the air. Just a second, but I see it and I know it sees me. I am startled ,heart racing. I call out Hello! A cool breeze moves up the river and seems to wrap around me. I have found my teacher, my guide.

I collect rubbish _ including discarded fishing line. I follow the river in the car and practice 4WD. Think of bringing Sal and Jess and others here. There is a forest along the river but its tired. I stop beneath the biggest mother-of-fuck trees and bow before them. Old ,old gnarled  trunks – so over awed I stare.

Across the desert plains to a picnic spot on the edge of the once was lake, trees skeletal, dead, mighty trees. A few old beings hold on to life and the deep once banks. There is not enough water to grow new trees

When the old ones leave , who will hold the water ways?

I am in a caravan park where once water lapped a shore. I didn’t pay to stay because there was nobody to pay. The “we are open sign” had blown onto the ground and collected red sand mud from recent storms. The kiosk sign faded; the “office” deserted. The big sign said Menindee Lake.

I walked to the lake edge and watched the new moon settle down into the horizon. I made notes for my painting. I walk back in starlight and am grateful for the light coloured sand that leads the way.

I slept beneath the stars, the milky way that the ancestors of the  ancestors knew.

I looked – I kept being called to the hunter – Orion’s belt- again and again- because that is what I knew- I craved to know more.

I fell asleep wandering if we see the milky way the same all year round. At different times of night at different seasons. I can’t remember. If feels like there is not enough time to remember.

What are the stars I know? Marvelling at seeing the 3D nature of the milky way. Shooting stars . Thinking about perspective. Where is Emu? Trying to see everything in my head. Seeing new constellations

I wake in the night with the words  “listen to the words of the great mother, who of old was known as Artemis, Dianna, Ahrionrod,  …. And by many other names. I struggle to remember and  to list them in order . I see the goddess in the stars as never before.

I awake in the night  -Ants  have invaded the sleeping bag . Marvel at the white milkiness of the night sky – how the big dipper really is full of starry milk. I wonder if the Pleiades is the little dipper or that small constellation near Orion. I can’t remember; my vision blurry.

Awake in the night I think of water flows and allocations, weirs and dams upstream. I see the silhouettes of tree skeletons against the starry sky. I think of cotton.

My body on the earth, feels the strain, the effort to survive.

The eastern sky is lightening when I awake again. The stars above me are completely changed. The southern cross now high in the sky. I struggle to recall what I know about the axis of the stars. What lay north south after sunset now seems east west . I am totally confused.

I wake to the pied butcher bird song and sunlight.

There is deep sorrow in my bones that I seem to have absorbed from the land overnight ,that is blending with the missing of my father. There is unexpected grief. It’s not that it was an easy relationship- but he taught me this – how to see and read the world, the birds and rock and trees. I miss those conversations. In the year before he died we used to talk about the lakes and look up the level on the dams across NSW. When we first started Menindee was at 0.7% and now, despite the floods up north that should be filling it –  it’s at 18% . He would shake his head.

Over east this is all so far away, and cotton is better than synthetics isn’t it?

 I love the Barkka, having visited its banks in Wilcannia for more the 40 years. In the 2000’s I stepped across this mighty river that once supported river boats. I cried – there are no words that describe that feeling.

You see, I was born upstream . the first water I played in was from this system. On the Gwydir – in Kamilaroi country.

I feel so powerless – what can be done. I doubt that I should be living out here. But the spirts all say stay , yes ,yes, live lightly, live well.

There is a place on the highway, a slight rise and a layby. 30klm from Broken Hill. I must remember to come here and watch the stars; the horizon is huge. I pull over- there is a tree. I walk towards the tree and see the ground is littered with plastics, so many shapes and forms. At least I can collect the garbage and put in the roadside bin, that eases the sadness somewhat. I gather seeds from beneath that fruit laden Wilga tree- when I return home I scatter them in my garden.

Remembering Mum in the Rain

It’s a wet winter day in Sydney

3pm, that time after lunch before the rush hour, the streets are empty – office workers huddled behind steel and glass – hovering on the floors above the city. Looking out on grey skies…

I’m looking for a café food place that won’t serve me plastic with my meal- I think I’ve found one , and sit down and order a coffer and sandwich. The coffee is less than hot and the sandwich is encased in plastic…. I pull out my computer and type…

I just got new teeth – upper denture and I bite into my afternoon tea! Its the first time in weeks I can bite without fear of cracking my denture into two pieces. Eating has been a forced exercise in mindfulness!

Walking the wet streets I’d recalled my mother and thought of the days I pottered along behind her and Aunt M – looking for a little café to have a coffee and a sit down. These were tiring and long days – catching the steamer from Campbelltown and later the red rattler. Mum always liked a coffee and a sit down and when with Aunt M there was always so much to talk about. I used to have an orange juice – if it was fresh or a milkshake. Either way both were always too much and made me feel sick…

Today it’s a mocha on skim….

When I was young Mum’s favourite was Vienna coffee. Wide brown coffee cups with lashings of whipped piped cream piled above the coffee. In later more health conscious years cappuccino was the go. The last cap I bought her went cold on the bedside table of her deathbed… as we fought with our father to let her have what she wants and not what is good for her …

Today I recall our many trips to “town” for shopping or a museum or gallery visit. Sometimes to go to David Jones for shoes and jumpers or the Strand Arcade boutiques where Mum would try on smart suits and dresses suitable for an Infants School Principal – The Infant’s Mistress as she was called.

A favoured task was looking for hand-bags, she had many handbags. “Handbags” she said “should always match the shoes”. Or browsing in Dymocks or Angus and Robertsons, where she would stock up on crayons and stars, stamps, coloured paper and colouring books for her classes. She didn’t really approve of colouring books, “they stifle creativity” she said, but we often got one to take away on holidays. As a treat! I liked the magic ones that changed colour when a wet brush was wiped across them. Sometimes it was Christmas shopping and on a few rare occasions a trip to the movies or even a live show.

When Aunt M was in town we might follow the day with a meal at the Masonic Club or even the Menzies Hotel. For a real treat and family special occasions we ate at the Australia Square Tower or the Opera house.

Today sloshing through the rainy streets, with my new teeth, I think of Mum and how much I’d love to just have a coffee with her and a bit of a chat. She had false teeth all her life – they removed them all when she was 17. “They did that sort of thing back then” she’d said.

I remember when we went shopping to buy me “suitable clothes for practise teaching”. In search of a compromise between my preference for overalls and gum-boots and what might be suitable for a teacher to wear. It was a beautiful grey linen suit that smelled of India, flowers embroidered on the double collars with a longer than normal skirt- it was the 70’s after all.

Sometimes when we went into the city there would be vegemite sandwiches to eat from home. Sometimes savoury mince when we met up with Dad after his day at Teachers Federation Council meetings. On other occasions, tucked away somewhere in a small restaurant: Chicken Maryland was a favourite of Mum’s. Toasted cheese and tomato sandwiched or thick cheesy asparagus door-steps. She liked nice food and was always introducing us to something new and contemporary.

Today I am sad, the streets seem more empty as I recall her swishing skirts and Aunt M’s Scottish brogue. Many memories wash around me as I drink my mocha and eat my egg sandwich. The city was a special place with my mother, always a sense of adventure, of being important – of seeing another side of her – a free spirit, a bit naughty, a supportive adult who enjoyed life.

Road Kill

I’m living in a war zone.

Casualties everywhere..

I recently drove from my home in SW Sydney to country Victoria. Along the Hume Motorway, the major transport corridor between Sydney and Melbourne.

Hundreds of semi-trailers and V-doubles move along the road each day , families and business people, traders and travellers. Double lanes, dual highway snakes and then stretches out through the landscape, bypassing towns . Traveler stops and multinational feeding stations providing the high fat/sugar meals we crave as we hurdle across the country on our important business.

It’s a death littered journey. Victims to our invasion of their country line the road, sentinels to our passing trade.

Every kilometer Kangaroos dead on the roadside , taken out by high speed transporters, so many I give up counting. There were wombat, echidna, fox, possum and lizard – a children’s story book of characters. Birds too fall victim to the road, raven, magpie ,cockatoo , galah , gang-gang and eagle.

In places the road is red with the veneer of flattened roo, or bird. I feel sick. In others there is just a mangled pile of fur . We are traveling too fast to stop and clear the road and eventually they too will be mashed into the tarmcack and washed away by rain -forgotten.

I recall a trip between Tamworth and Bingara a couple of years ago when I pulled 18 Kangaroos from the roadside in 160 kilometers . I hate to see bodies being mashed to a pulp by passing vehicles.

Off the highway a shower of feathers as the car in front hits a galah.

“Idiot?” i shout to noone.

I stop the car and walk back along the road. The world is silent without cars. Ravens call. I pick up the bird still warm from life and place it away from the verge. As i turn a car stops and the blokey driver leans across and asks “is it alive? ”

“No” I shake my head.

“I could have taken it to a vet in town if it was alive” he offered.

We both shake our heads and move on.

Allies! I recall the galah’s one red tear and wonder how it’s mate is.

From time to time there is a vehicle up-turned and taped beside the road, evidence of human casualty in this war.

It’s a long weekend I’m traveling. I consider what the road would look like if the local council protrolls didn’t come along to collect the fallen. Would the roadsides be piled high with carnage and the stench of death be the aroma that followed us down the road?

Back home the tree munchers are at work. Each week we witness a couple of hours of tree crunching as another of the huge trees is munched to pulp. The wood chipper shouts out across the suburb. Screaming it’s superiority and ability to destroy a huge tree and all that lives in it in less than an hour.

The magpies and ravens have lost their homes. They circle around – their territories disturbed. I revel in the magpie family that has taken up in the trees near me and pray nobody decides to take them down.

My father’s cleaner tells him how a wagtail nest was lost when her neighbor cut down a tree unthinking. The community is aghast and nobody really understands or can give a reason why these huge trees, some pre-white invasion suddenly need to go.

I realize I have a new sort of anxiety about me as i scan the suburb , watchful and vigilant for the next tree to go. Fearful for the sound of wood-chippers and chain saws.

Pesticide spraying vehicles cruise our suburban streets, the council weed killer patrol walks by.

We are at war with nature .

This is not how I wish to live .

Walking Labyrinths in the U.K.

Searching for Labyrinths have taken me through deep green forests with mighty old trees, wetlands, mountain passes and roads that seem to wind along the edge of the world .

Past newly ploughed fields and those with crops just harvested , fields of Wheat, barley, corn, potatoes, and quinola

Along narrow hedge lined ,tree arched and brick wall lined lanes, through tiny villages with nowhere to stop or turn.

Along motorways with turnoffs to places I have read or heard about . Negotiated complex motorway round abouts (why doesn’t the sat nav have a “well done ” comment?)

Driven through the wild open sheep nibbled highlands of Scotland , marbled purple and green with heather and moss ; along steep winding roads and been amazed by the wide open vistas of the North Sea and rugged coastlines?

I have felt held by the folds of the earth and marveled at wide flat valleys carved by ancient ice rivers. Stood breathless at the far reaching moors of Yorkshire and the Scottish landscape threaded with mysterious lochs that are mirrors to the sky .

Stood on the prow the ferry to Islay with the wind lashing my face.

I’ve seen seals, squirrels red and grey,

Snails, grouse, ladybirds and toads

Been accompanied each day by collared doves and swarms of swallows

there’s been ducks tails up in streams and ponds, whistling eagles overhead and a pair of falcons drifting on the updraft

Wild swans with babies in the sea and red deer in the wheat fields

Ive seen hedgehogs, owls, raven,rabbits and deer dead on the sides of roads

And Cheered tiny shrews as they scurried their way across the busy highways

Wild flowers I’ve only known as weeds cover the landscape and villages festooned with potted flowers shout summer!

I nibbled wild raspberries and blackberries as I’ve wandered tracks and lanes

Stood by ancient standing stones and on top of Iron Age forts

Sat with ancient oaks

Walked a river in Alness looking for otters , visited A sacred well on the Black Isle near Inverness, tromped across the heather and moss covered hills in Scotland and drank from steams , lit a candle for mum in the the Lincoln Catherdal and had fish and chips in a pub.

Been too terrified to sleep in a highway wayside car park where cars were coming and going in the night. Slept like a lion next to lochs and in forests

I’ve avoided cities and major tourist spots. Cooked amazing meals in the van . Enjoyed glorious views on wild mountain tops and beaches.

I’ve lost my way and found it again.

Driven for days with only the voices in my head or the sat nav for company.

Every day I’ve walked a labyrinth in sun , rain or wind, though mostly sun. Some ancient some new. If I couldnt find one nearby I made one myself (westcoast Islay – below)

Ive enjoyed the precious company of some dear friends and family along the way

And had enlightening chance encounters and conversations with strangers

Picked up rubbish in highway byways

Ghost net on beaches ,cried at forest harvesting.

Created a ghost net dolly on Islay and knitted a beanie

Sometimes I’ve wanted to give up thought I was crazy yet I carried on.

I’ve felt distracted by the world and come back to my plan to walk a labyrinth a day for 12 days.

I’ve thought of my family and friends and all the things I do.

I have found peace in the labyrinth – it is my home – each walk offering a deeper understanding of the path and myself.

I’ve sung and chanted , made offerings to the land and listened to the wisdom of my grandmothers and I have been silent .

Always always I know more and more that life, every life, in all its form is sacred. Where this path will take me I have no idea but it is taking me somewhere and I honor that.

Susanne Rae

Below are some of my Faves

Dunure Ayrshire

Glastonbury Cathedral

Alkborough Lincolnshire

Hilton Common Cambridgeshire

Crystal Palace community garden

Batheaston – Hill Fort

Dalby North Yorkshire

Dundee Hospital